Yesterday marked exactly four months until my wedding day. And yes, I did have a complete and utter freak out/meltdown/cry feast. Why? Because I simply needed it. I needed to take a moment to get sad, to let it out and feel every emotion I need to feel before I marry the love of my life.
All of my anxiety over the wedding stems from my fear that it will be here way too fast, when I’m not ready. When I’m not ready in regards to; did I enjoy every second of being engaged? have I really soaked it all in before this huge moment in my life? I mean, this is a moment that any little girl dreams about and fantasizes over since she is a little girl and then POOF! faster than the fairy godmother appears, and she’s all grown up and walking down the aisle! Um, did I miss something? Let’s go back and start all over again, I’ll be ready this time I swear!
Over the past few weeks, I have really felt God changing my heart. It has been the coolest thing. He has calmed my fears of moving away from my family and making me strong and capable to step into this next chapter clear headed. He truly has heard my prayers of desperation and fear, of clarity and guidance. Until yesterday.
This overwhelming anxiety crept up on me so quickly and shook me. You know what the trigger was? Typing in the addresses for the invitations and asking my mom “Are my Uncle Steve’s Steven or Stephen!?” To which she said one was StevAn, um, okay mom I know for sure that’s not right. And my lack of patience for that spelling error erupted into tears and hiding under the covers. (Sorry Uncle Steve’s).
I chose to close my computer, exit out of my Pinterest browser and leave every task sent from my wedding planner to the wayside and just cry for the day. An hour and half phone call from my best friend, being by my side and distracting me calmed me down and she assured me that this is all okay. To take the day and just feel every emotion I need to feel.
While on my “clarity run” as I like to call them I asked myself why did this reaction happen? Why am I feeling this way when I so noticeably had felt a change in my heart recently. And it hit me, I wasn’t spending time with God. I had let my devotionals fall to the wayside, I wasn’t diving into His word, I didn’t need my quiet morning time any more because I was where I needed to be. Well, he sure slapped the sense back into me, I need Him.
I had totally taken for granted the sense of peace and tranquility that came when I was so desperately seeking His guidance, once I had my answer I kept on going without Him. I think it is so easy for us to do, we only go to Him when we need something. Like a preteen who only talks to their parents for a $20 bill before walking out the door. So I encourage you all to invest and immerse yourself a smidge more into your relationship with Christ.
He will change your heart and change your perspective.
He will reassure you and make visible the abundance of blessings in each of our lives.
I can lean into Him the next time I simply just need to cry. And we all know, that it is bound to happen.
Damn, who knew I was such an emotional person!?