October 27th

Three years ago, I lost someone I had never lived a day of my life without having him in it. My first friend and the only older brother figure I have had. How I have gone the past three years without him I don’t quite understand.

All morning I had struggled to understand why I am not has sad as I had prepared myself to be. I feel numb this year and I am not sure why.

Then it hit me, it is not today that I can choose to be sad and miss him. I miss him everyday. It is not today that I can choose to cry. I cry when I wish he was here and I cry when on any random Tuesday I just really flat out miss him.

I can cry when I feel lost and yearn for his advice.

I can cry when I wish he were with our families in Wailea, or any of our adventures for that matter.

I can cry when I wish he were here to have a relationship with my future husband.

I can cry on my upcoming wedding day, wishing he were there.

I don’t have to cry today.

Grief comes in unpredictable waves. I prepared for my grief today. Surrounding myself with love, buckets of prayers, and singing his songs.

But I didn’t cry. I wasn’t overcome with paralyzing heartache.

Instead, our families honored him today. We laughed, we talked, we smiled. We talked about past vacations together and future adventures we want to take. We talked about upcoming wedding plans and future (very far future) baby names. The trials of understanding our career and education paths. We did exactly what he would want for us to do, we talked about life and lifted each other up with love. And he was right there, excited with us all morning long.

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Processed with VSCO with g3 preset

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And yes, by the end of writing this. I cried, because all of these things are true and I just flat out miss my friend.

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2 thoughts on “October 27th

  1. Corinne Johnson says:

    So beautiful Kels. You are so right, grief is a strange thing, and everyone experiences it completely different. My cousin has been gone for 10 years now and I still find myself crying on random days, at random times, thinking about how I wish he were here to experience a moment with me and my family. You are so lucky to be constantly surrounded by such a wonderful support system of family and friends. You are always in my prayers my friend, and a little extra today 🙂

    Like

  2. Mike Gabriel says:

    I love you Kelsey for your heart and your bravery and your bottomless lovely soul that adheres to goodness. What a comfort for a father to know his daughter clings to goodness and is brave enough to cry. You are one healthy, spiritual, wonderful writer. And daughter– yay for your mom and me.

    Like

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